How Joanne Ruined Many Lives on Barbados-Part 1
by Arabella Black
Summary: I'm sorry about starting a new sort of series, it's just that the full the would be too long! A person named Joanne ruins everybody's Christmas and assigns half of them different names. Please R/R!


A/n: This is a bit of an idea from another fic, might not be too funny, but you could enjoy it.

"Merry Christmas!" said Snape to Sirius, a.k.a., Panty-Liner Foot.

PLF shook the present Snape had just given him. "Oh, it better not be another friendship bracelet, we give each other too many of those!" PLF said jovially.

"Uncle Sirius, you big twit, the ribbon is a friendship bracelet!" 

"Oh, right you are, Draco! I'm so silly." Sirius flashed a smile at his one of many Godsons.

He began ripping the paper off. He gasped. "A lifelong subscription to Oprah's magazine! Oh, Fluff, how thoughtful! How'd you know I wanted one?"

"You've only been pining for one ever since the woman made her announcement." Fluffaroosies Snape said good-natureadly.

It was a heartwarming scene. The Potter's living room was packed with all of their friends. Fluffaroosies, Sirius a.k.a. PLF, Peter, a.k.a. Worm Vomit, Remus, a.k.a. Loony, Draco Bonami and his father, Michael Bonami, and his daughter, Sue-Marie Bonami, and her mother, Athena Bonami, Arabella Figgnewton, Blanco Bumblebee, Tromedlov, Shrimpe, Doyle, Ron Weasel, his mother, Holly Weasel, and his father, Galahad Weasel, Eris McGonagall, and Rubrics Cube Hagriddence. Flowering Shrub Potter and her husband, James Potter were delighted to have their closest friends over for Christmas, partly so they could show off their new daughter, Hermione, who for some reason they gave the last Grainjer. Their son, Harry, was five, and ecstatic about his new baby sister. They were opening gifts by order of how many Godchildren you had, and Sirius, having 5,866, had already opened his.

"I guess it's my turn, then!" Michael Bonami shouted. "Mind you, 2,318 is nothing to the big guy, but it is rather hectic, making it to all those churches and temples and synagogues and points where three roads meet and such. Whose got my present?"

"I do, daddy, I do!" shouted Sue-Marie.

"What is it, then?"

"It's a big hug and lots of kisses!" 

"Well, that is a rather stupid present, not to mention cliché. I now see why we didn't name you Mary-Sue. Out with you, what did my wonderful son bring me?"

"I brought you… a dragon!"

"Marvelous! Where is it?"

Draco pulled out from behind his back a full-grown dragon.

"Excellent, you are my fav child!" He gave a horrible evil eye to Sue-Marie, who was fighting tears.

"It's my wonderful wife's turn, now!" PLF said while giving a terrible Public Display of Affection by giving Arabella Fignewton an Eskimo kiss.

"You know, I always wondered, is it a sin to marry your Godson?"

"Well, you're my Goddaughter, too, so we'll both be going to the same place anyway if it is."

Suddenly, the door burst open, sending in the ghastly cold of winter in Barbados, which is where everybody came from. (A/N: I just had to put that in for all of you who couldn't get Moony singing in a Caribbean accent out of your heads.)

"I am from Britain, and-"

"Ooo, Monty Python, Monty Python! Give me my shrubbery! Nee! Nee! Nee!" 

"You little brat, we are not in The Holy Grail. My name is Joanne, and I need your help."

"Obviously, Joanne is a appalling name. May I suggest Upsillimanatumpalarado?"

"I _do not_ need a new name. I need an interview with all of you."

"Why?"

"Because you have the answers!"

"So does Cleo the Tarot Card Reader." Loony said.

"Don't forget the Cigarette Smoking Man! He has 'em, too!" Athena Bonami said.

"And the magistrate from Sleepy Hollow!" Worm Vomit said.

"And Alex Trebek!" piped in Tongs, a.k.a. James Potter.

"No, no, no. I've heard that all of you are witches and wizards. Is that true?"

"Yes sirree bob." said Tromedlov.

"You tell me, just like that?" Joanne asked, shocked.

"Yup." 

"Okay, first, conjure me up a piece of paper and a pen that won't run out of ink."

Fluffaroosies did so, and in Joanne's hand appeared a legible pen and a not-so-legible square of toilet paper.

"You moron, this isn't even the quilted kind! I meant a notepad."

Disappeared the non-quilted toilet paper, replaced with a woman's sanitary napkin.

"You can take notes on that, I believe." Fluffaroosies said, proud of his accomplishment.

"Uhh, not a pad, a notebook!"

"Precision of language, then, please, Joanne! Why didn't you say so?" Flowering Shrub then conjured a notebook to Joanne.

"Finally. Okay, I'll need all of your names. Just names, for now, and then I'll move on to nicknames."

"Alrighty then. My name is James Potter."

"Well, that's a good start. And who are you?"

"His wife, Flowering Shrub."

"Wh-what? Flowering Shrub?"

"I'm one half Iroquois." 

"Well, I'm going to call you Lily."

"I guess that's a flower…"

"And who are you?"

"Her best friend and Godfather, Sirius Black."

"Hmm. I can use that. And you?"

"His friend and Godson, Remus Lupin."

"Ooo. Remus. Lupin. Wonderful. I'll definitely use that. And you are?"

"Michael Bonami."

"_Michael_? We have a Remus, a Sirius, and a Flowering Shrub here, and your name is _Michael_?"

"After the archangel."

"Hmm. Archangel, you say? Well, what if I put your name down as… Lucifer?"

"Ah, no, you can't do that, he has to have a name that ends in S." said Rubrics Cube.

"Lucius would be okay." Sirius said. "You know, to even it out a bit. He really is a goody-goody. You can tell by his last name."

"Aw, you big kidder, you." And Michael/Lucius ran to give Sirius a noogie. 

"Stop it, stop it! Bonami. I used to teach French-"

"Well, la-di-da for you."

"-And it means "good friend". Not what I wanted. Hmm, maybe Malami?"

"Malami? Is that a new deli meat?"

"You said the capital of India, Uncle Remus!" Hermione said.

"So sorry, Loony, that's all she'll ever say. These two simply must stop watching PBS."

"She's right, it is the capital of India. Damn. What about… Malfoy?"

"Looshus Malfoy. It isn't bad. I like my name better, though."

"It's pronounced LOO-SEE-US!!! DAMN YOU!!!"

"You don't have to bite my head off."

"Head. Hmm. Maybe."

"Hee hee. Daddy, the crazy lady said loo!"

"What about you?"

"Fluffaroosies Snape."

"Fluff-Fluffaroosies?" she said quietly.

"Yes."

"You're name is Severus! Who the heck would call their kid "Fluffaroosies"?!"

"Who would name their child "Severus"?"

"_Don't_ mock me. What is your name, praytell?"

"Athena Bonami."

"Not anymore! It's Narcissa Malfoy. Who's the little brat that likes Monty Python?"

"Draco Bonami."

"Draco. Hmm. I could use that. But your last name is Malfoy."

"What about me?"

"What about you, you little snot?"

"Well, I'm part of the Bonami family, too."

"Fine, what's your name?"

"Sue-Marie."

"That's stupid. You're stupid. Draco doesn't need a sibling."

"But I love her!" Draco runs over and hugs his twin sister.

"Not anymore, you don't! You love nothing!"

"I love nothing… I love nothing…"

"Good. Now, who are you?"

"Ron Weasel."

"Are you rich?"

"Sickeningly so, yes. I'm also an only child."

"Well, now you have six siblings. Your hair is now no longer light brown, it is red. And so is your mothers and fathers and your siblings too."

"At least I'm still rich."

"Hardly."

"Oh, no…"

What will happen? Will Ron still be rich? Will the Malfoys conquer their evil name? Will we discover who is that Russian dude, Tromedlov (even though you really should have already guessed it)? And who is Joanne? All will be unveiled as soon as I get thirty reviews!


End file.
